Archive for the ‘family’ Category

01.13.43~11.15.07…

November 21, 2007

oh i have such regret

she was much more to me than she ever knew

and i never told her

it didnt occur to me

that i should not wait

there was a fantastic smile

so easy

so infectious

it always turned my head

and kept my heart

there was such intensity

of love

of life

and more talent than i ever admitted

i didnt keep her as i should have

although i knew she kept me

always close and tender

soothing

sweetness

such life

and now ive missed her

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segue – egypt beach…

August 11, 2007

a new fear

confusion
i lived in a new house by a different beach. there were changes i didnt like. my sister seemed to accept them. no one else thought them strange. i felt disconnected.

discovery
on the playground, i felt strange behind my ear. the nurse called mother. mother drove to the doctor. the doctor made arrangements at hospital. i asked why. they didnt tell me. i was operated on.

glimpse
when i woke, mother was there with him and i cried. i cried because i didnt want him. he was not family. i had no idea where he came from. when dad came, i asked. i dont remember the answer. linda visited too. they tried to comfort me, but i was too confused.

transition
at home, i slept restlessly, with nightmares. the incision hemorrhaged during the night. i didnt go to school. i was weak. i asked for facts, but got clues. i didnt understand what happened. and they didnt tell me.

now what
what i didnt understand was how people could be replaced. being so young, they thought i wouldnt get it, but i did. i got it slammed in my face the day he came strolling out of her room in his shorts. they seemed so natural, the others took it in stride. somewhere, i kept wondering… how did i get here?

minot c.1969

May 11, 2007

fresh

the beach was new to me. there were large rocks and various sea creatures. i spent much of my time there alone. once i learned to swim, there were other things. but at first i concentrated on the rocks.

movement

learning the way to the top of the largest rock was tricky. on the first leg of the journey i kept close to the side. once i mastered that, i needed to make a leap of faith to continue. there was a turn and a large stretch to get to the top. i had to trust that my legs were long enough without knowing. many times i started. many times i didnt get to the top. once i made the leap, i realised something. there was more than one way down.

tides

high tide meant leaps into unknown territory, with uncertain consequences. low tide meant the possibility of damage if i made a bad step. there was no easy way down. i was afraid to retrace my steps. at the top of that rock, i discovered another leap. like the first i had to trust myself, i had to leap without seeing. i stayed at the top a long time. i found a way down, and then made my way back up.

discovery

there was a hole in the middle of that large rock. it was deep and dark. at the bottom, sand and water. the sides were slick, i could see that. at first i didnt venture into the well, i stared into it. around to the back of the rock was another entrance to the well. at the waterline, barnacles and seaweed, daunting obstacles at best. i travelled many paths on the rock, but i feared the well. once at low tide, from the back, i climbed halfway up, into the dark of the well. the slime made it hard to keep going. it was too dark to see my next hand or foothhold. if i waited, i would be swallowed by the incoming tide. i had to continue with out seeing, i had to feel my way up and out.

minot c. 1969

i was seven. my folks had split. our family was splintered. i spent part of that summer in a rented house, my grandparents cottage and at the rock. at the rental and the cottage, i was confused. people didnt tell me things. i didnt see my father or my oldest brother. my mother took up with another man. that rock made me trust myself when i couldnt trust anyone. that rock made me know i was capable, that i could do things. that rock made me feel happy when everything around me was sharper than any barnacle. i havent been back there for many years.

id like to try that rock again…